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June 18, 2009 Revised June 24, 2009 When I was training to become a professional coach, a requirement of the program was that we hire a certified coach. We were required to have a coach while in the program to personally experience the power of coaching and learn from more seasoned coaches. However, even after successfully completing the coaching program, I have again hired a coach. But the point of this article is not about learning from a more seasoned master coach. This article is about my current homework assignment which is to notice when I have unconditional positive regard for others and notice when I don't have unconditional positive regard. Being a coach, I know that this technique is called an appreciative inquiry. Briefly, this means developing an appreciation for whatever you are noticing. There is only an expectation of noticing and not any specific requirement to act. However, I recognize from having both used this technique with my clients and having a previous coach work with with me on noticing my moments of joy that once one notices and appreciates something that they start experiencing more of the same. For example, when I started paying attention to all the moments of joy in my life, there was suddenly more joy in life. Was there actually more joy in my life? There probably were not any more specific incidents of joy than before but because I noticed them, then I actually experienced more joy. When I have unconditional positive regards for others, I fully appreciate others for who they are and what/who they are attempting to become. I am not imposing my expectations on them. It is very similar to being non-judgemental. When I coach, my entire focus is on my client and I recognize that it is not about me or my opinion on the matter. When I am in a pure coaching role, I attempt to be fully present and on the same wavelenght as my client. Thus, if I do offer an opinion or thought, it is entirely intended to assist the client and if the clients is in disagreement with the opinion or thought, there is not a need to defend that thought because it is not about me. So what am I noticing? In reflecting, I am noticing that I do not always have unconditional positive regard for everyone. Some of these people are close to me and others are complete strangers. What is beginning to happen is that when I start talking to people, I remember that I have this homework assignment and I notice that I am not giving that person unconditional positive regard. When I remember to do this and not attempt to analyze why I am not giving that person my fully unconditional regard, my regard for that person changes for the better. I am more open, initiating more conversations or even when just walking by the person, I have a better feeling. What I find surprising about this is we don't need to purposely focus on changing our regard for others but that we only need to notice and somehow our regard for that person changes for the positive!
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